I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
