I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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