Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Randomize
