Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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