Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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