i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
