I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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