i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
