Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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