I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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