im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
