Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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