I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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