i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
