You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
