sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
