she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
