The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
