I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
