just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
