Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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