Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
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