The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
