my phone needs a breathalizer
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
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