I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
