Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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