I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
