Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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