Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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