Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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