I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
