i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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