Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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