My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
