i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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