woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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