Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
