my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
