i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
