ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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