Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
