Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
