I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
me + whiskey = a bad person
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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