just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
