I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
