yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
false alarm. still invincible.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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