i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
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