My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
