You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
