She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
