i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
