Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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